Saturday, May 23, 2009

It's beginning to look a lot like Trent-mas...

Greg arrived in town yesterday, and we're geared up and ready to embark on a quest... A quest to find the true meaning of Trentmas, and to put an end to Snarflawq, the dragon of vaguely-defined despair.

The second element of this quest is made more difficult of late, however. Since Obama's election, Snarflawq has taken up residence at Fox News Headquarters, as it is now all all-you-can-eat buffet of vaguely-defined despair for him. Also, its well known that Snarflawq supports tax cuts for the rich and gay marriage.

Now, long trips are always a point of panic at their earliest stages. Everything must be gathered up, checked, doublechecked and then stowed in some fashion that makes it able to be located. And if you forget it, its miles away by the time you remember. As someone who operates poorly with this human 'memory' thing, the essence of panic is tangible. I think I've got everything packed away and ready to go.

For those who are keeping tabs, today is the first day of Trentmas. As such, its time for you all to set up the wreath of regrets, in Trentmas tradition. For those of you waging the War on Trentmas (and I think you know I know you know who you are), a wreath of regrets is a wire hoop that you fasten your regrets to (in the form of notes scribbled on grocery store receipts you saved for Science-knows what reason). Throughout Trentmas, as regrets come to you, banish them to the wreath. At the end of the holiday, the wreath is burned or fed through a woodchipper to be used as pet-cage liner.

This symbolic act has a noticable placebo effect and will keep you regret free the whole year long.*

Today's Trentmas Carols are Livin' in a Box, the dirge of Keyboard Cat, and Bananaphone.

Well, its that time. I'm gathering up my +2 sword of stabbing and we're going after the dragon that's trying to eat Trentmas. Merry Trentmas to all, and to all a robot-filled night!


*This blog post does not consitute medical advice. 'Year' as expressed may refer to a literal year or one of the following: cat years, dog years, horse years, mouse years, tapir years, fruit-fly years or capybara years. By reading this blog you have surrendered your right to sue in favor of arbitration. All aribtration will be delivered through an angry bear. Offer void in Wisconsin.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Trentmas is just around the corner!

That's right folks, there's only two skulking days until Trentmas, the annual celebration of Trent Troop going on vacation. Now, being raised as unwashed heathens you may not know about Trentmas, but I'm going to lay out the basics for you.

When is Trentmas?
Trentmas comes but once a year, except when it doesn't. The exact date and length of the celebration varies, being based upon the largely unused Buscemiean Calender that the Catholic Church deemed irredeemably non-linear in 543 AD. The exact method to calculating the Trentmas season requires the combined efforts of forty blind monks using a single, triple-sized abacus. Thanks to the miracle of numerology, the one pure pseudoscience, the length and location of Trentmas on the calender coincides with a number of factors, primarily the variable rates of hotel costs and the schedule of a giant transforming robot convention. These coincidences prove the sacred nature of this wondrous holiday.

Where is Trentmas?
This year, Trentmas is a 16 day festival involving a pilgrimage to Pasedena, California. In previous years it has been in Cinninati, Providence, Frisco, St. Louis, and so forth in that fashion back through history. The pattern is obvious, and the next location can easily be deduced, provided one has forty blind monks and a giant abicus.

But I'm not going to Pasedena! Does that mean I can't celebrate Trentmas?
Of course not! In fact, there are only two possible positions on Trentmas... you're either celebrating, or you're part of the War on Trentmas. You don't want to be a member of an unpopular outsider group that is routinely accused of attempting to tear down a ritualistic celebration out of a sense of obligation to rationality, facts and fair play, do you? Of course not. So get ready to party like it's 1859!

What are the Trentmas traditions?
The major traditions of Trentmas are:

1) Going to a giant robot convention, and experiencing fellowship and shared interests with Trent and his many awesome friends.
2) Buying gifts for oneself. Typically, these gifts are robots or mind-shatteringly obscure bits of 80s and/or Japanese merchandise. Liberal sects also purchase self-gifts of booze, video games, exotic foreign confections and miniature toiletries.
3) Not engaging in the drudgery of a day job.
4) Pretending Trent is far more interesting and fun than he normally is (also known as 'seeing through the veil')

Now, those are the most fundamental traditions, and require that one be a part of the pilgrimage to Trentmas. If you aren't going, or you don't know Trent personally, then you can still celebrate in the following fashion.
1) Wishing that you, too, were not at your day job.
2) Engaging in traditional Trentmas games. These include Dungeons and Dragons, Smash Brothers (any variation), Space Quest III and competitive napping (the person with the best combination of depth of nap, length of nap and quality of erotic dreams is the winner)
3) Singing Trentmas Carols:
* Rush's Tom Sawyer.
* Herman's Hermit's Henry the VIII.
* Schnitzelbank
* The Theme to Batman, no, not that one, the annoying one.
* The entirety of ELO's breakthrough concept album Time.
* In the Hall of the Mountain King, sung acapella.
4) Drinking Trentnogg and sharing happy times with nerdy friends.
* Trentnogg is Root Beer (or Dr. Pepper, for our friends south of the border and in Europe), Dark Rum and a shot of Jagermeister. I strongly suggest making it fresh, as the store-bought just isn't as good.
5) Inventing affectionate but surreal nicknames for friends and well-wishers.

There's going to be more on Trentmas. Depending on time and internet access, you will all be witness to my ultimate Trentmas blog. Witness as I and a host of friends embark on a journey of self discovery cross-country. Its like Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas without the drugs.
Actually, wait, its more exciting than that.